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05 November 2011 @ 11:18 am
Title: In Triplicate
Rating: I honestly have no idea how to rate this. PG-13?
Wordcount: ~ 1000
Universe: Some of the Tumblr Avengers RPs.
Warnings: Crack. Don't even bother reading.
Characters/Pairing: Three versions of Special Agent Phil Coulson/Shenanigans
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
Summary: ...no.
A/N: I wrote this because an RP character told me not to. Because I DO WHAT I - yeah. That thing.
ADDENDUM: HI, LURKERS FROM TUMBLR! I am so, so sorry for this. but not really

The combination of social networking sites and alternate realities might have confused some people, but not Special Agent Phil Coulson. When your day job entails riding herd on Norse Gods, superheroes, and renegade sentient kitchen appliances, it takes a lot to put you off your stride.

So when he met two other versions of himself online, his natural reaction was not shocked disbelief, but "Let us go forth and hunt grey faceless menaces to society." The other Coulsons were in full agreement. Which made sense, because they were him. Sort of.

The resulting Halloween Anon Hunt had been a brilliant success, although several ties were ruined in the process, a fact which caused regret to beat in the heart of more than one Coulson. Clearly, alcohol was needed to assuage the anguish over damage done to fine neckwear. They adjourned to a bar. Together.

"Good job, Phil."

"You too, Phil."

"Cheers, Phil."

Single-malt whiskey hit the spot.

"Too bad this isn't some of Stark's."

One of the other Coulsons laughed. "We should have nicked some. He's out of town, isn't he?"

"It's still not too late."

"Let's just put this on his personal tab. That way we won't have to move, and he'll never even notice."

"I like the way you think, Phil."

"Same to you, Phil."

"And you."

By this time, the Coulsons Three noticed that they were beginning to attract attention. It was odd, but this often happened to even one of them when alone. Walk into a bar, women (and men) start handing you phone numbers. Must be the suit, they all figured. Or the rather large gun bulge, which even the most finely-tailored jacket couldn't hide completely. So it made a certain amount of sense that three of them would attract more attention than one, especially when they began buying drinks for the most attractive, interesting, or dangerous-looking people...and then for everybody. It was on Tony's tab anyway.

"He'd want it this way," one of the Coulsons reasoned.


"I couldn't agree more. We are doing him proud."

"Bottoms up!"

The real trouble started when one of the Coulsons noticed that one of the others' ties was crooked and compulsively straightened it.

"Thanks, man."

"You'd have done the same for me. And so would you."


This attracted even more attention, a fact which did not go unnoticed. They now had a small crowd of sexy and partially-inebriated but mostly sexy people clustered around them.

"We should play up to them."

"How do you mean?"

By way of answer, one Phil grabbed the nearest other Phil by the tie and planted one on him, full on the lips, then did the same to the other other Phil. All three of them blinked for a second afterwards, and then instantly (of course) were on to Phil #1s plan.

"Kinda weird."

"You need a shave."

"Worth it though, check it out."

The crowd had swelled noticeably, to say nothing of its collective pants. Which had of course been the intention.

The bartender was starting to get that befuddled look that civilians often got during S.H.I.E.L.D. missions.

"Let's move this party."

"An excellent idea."

"I concur."

They ended up requisitioning an entire hotel floor (Avengers Mansion and S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ were both out as locations - wouldn't want to set a bad example for the children); practically the entire bar followed them, and they seemed to pick up more people as they went along. One of the Phils knew a guy who knew a guy, and soon they had a live DJ up and running. No one was quite sure where the light show came from or who provided it, but it went well with the music, so no one was complaining.

The hotel staff wasn't all that surprised when crates of whiskey and a few of champagne were carried up to the floor in question. The hotel staff WAS surprised when the skateboards, golf carts, inflatable kiddie pools, boxes of instant pudding, donuts, trampolines, and a lone pygmy giraffe were paraded by, but badges were flashed and consciences were soothed financially (standard S.H.I.E.L.D procedure when dealing with unusual situations, which was always), and all was made good.

It was quite a night.

It was quite a next day, too, but eventually the Phils decided that enough of a completely fantastic thing was enough, and besides they had paperwork to attend to, so everyone and everything eventually drifted back out of the hotel. The staff had expected to find the entire floor in shambles, especially given some of the noises that had been reported during the night, but to their surprise, they found it spotless. The Phils were professionals through and through.

None of them would divulge details of the events of that night, though of course the usual (and some pretty unusual) rumors made the rounds. It was, however, noticed that the word "Halloween" now caused any Coulson to smirk a bit in a self-satisfied sort of way.

The Tonys and Clints were furious that they hadn't been invited, to which Agent Coulson replied "To what?", "Don't know what you're talking about," or "Strictly business; you'd have been bored," depending on the Coulson in question. (The Tonys never did find out about the tab, though Fury did. Of course.)

The Steves didn't want to know and refused to ask. The Banners were confused. The Natashas flat-out refused to discuss the whole thing on the grounds that it did not pertain to any mission. The Thors just rolled their eyes and said, "Mortals."

...It was rumored in Asgard that Mighty Heimdall himself had blinked that night while observing Midgard, but Heimdall never blinked. He also refused to speak of the matter afterwards.

It was, in fact, (wait for it) legendary.

[No pygymy giraffes, real or fictional, were harmed or abused in the writing of this fic.]
Krensacred_karcram on November 5th, 2011 06:42 pm (UTC)
I am most relieved to hear that no pygmy giraffes were harmed in the making of this fic.
lid.ghostwritten2 on November 5th, 2011 06:45 pm (UTC)
I felt it was important to stress that point.

(And thank you so much! Glad you...er, enjoyed? If that's the right word.)
Stefanie: green manstefanie_bean on November 8th, 2011 01:44 am (UTC)
"renegade sentient kitchen appliances" - a hat tip to Thomas Disch's Brave Little Toaster? (if so, AWWW!)
LID: lokiinlaterdays on November 8th, 2011 11:51 am (UTC)
Not something that original, I'm afraid - it's a joke from the norsekink meme that made its way to Tumblr, about Loki having a fascination with Tony Stark's waffle iron.

Thank you so much for reading! *hugs*

Oops, answering with wrong account - oh well.

Edited at 2011-11-08 11:51 am (UTC)
raequiem on November 20th, 2011 03:21 pm (UTC)
One of the Tumblr Phils (agent-supernanny) here to say: PERFECTION.
lid.ghostwritten2 on November 20th, 2011 03:55 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed! It was way too much fun to write this.

(I've just started RPing on Tumblr as thought-i-was-alone, which is probably obvious.)